A Time for Refusal: The Fight Against Evil

Evil takes many forms and has been a fixture in human existence from the dawn of time. The fight against evil can be personal in which one wrestles with demons of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, or some other such struggle or it can be a collective one in which entire societies fight against social injustices. Evil can be overt and it can be sneaky and, as so beautifully written in this New York Times article, "Evil settles into everyday life when people are unable or unwilling to recognize it. It makes its home among us when we are keen to minimize it or describe it as something else." 

Sexual violence, racism, torture, war crimes, bigotry and misogyny are all forms of evil that, as a society, we should not only outright reject but also collectively fight against. Sadly, however, in the events leading up to the election and certainly in atrocious acts like this, this or this following the election, this is the last thing that's happened. Certainly people are outraged but outrage, unless actually channeled into something active and productive, soon becomes its own form of complacency. The fight against evil has to be ongoing and has to be active. But what does that mean? What can we actually do to fight societal evil?

The safety pin movement is a symbolic act in the fight against this kind of evil and, while a powerful gesture, is largely passive. I have nothing against wearing a safety pin but that should not be all we do because, like unchanneled outrage, a safety pin is entirely ineffectual. The following guidelines from this article can help you put what the safety pin symbolizes into practice by supporting marginalized communities: 

1. Be intolerant of intolerance. We must make it clear that racism, discrimination and intolerance are no longer values that we as a society will hold. When you encounter these things address them head on even if simply by calling it out. 

2. Seek out marginalized voices and perspectives. The average American consumes massive amounts of media on a daily basis. But how many black, women, LGBTQ or Muslim authors do you read? Follow on twitter? How many podcasts do you listen to that provide a different viewpoint?  If this answer is not many, this is a problem even if its unintentional. The good news is this is an easy thing to change. 

3. Confront your racism and don't be fragile. This is probably one of the most difficult yet most important steps to take. It will be uncomfortable and you will come face to face with opinions that upset you, but don't tune out, don't disengage. Sitting with any difficult emotion is the crux of doing the work. 

4. Use your privilege to support marginalized movements. And resist the urge to feel like you are a leader...your job is to follow the leaders of the movement and do what you can to support them, even if you think you might know a better strategy.

5. Give your time and money. This is perhaps one of the most simple and straightforward ways of taking action. 

6. Be proactive about inclusion in your daily life.  The mistake a lot of White people make is to think that simply not discriminating is enough. You can do more, and do better, by taking proactive measures to invite people of color, immigrants, and other marginalized people into your space.

7. Avoid segregation. American culture tends in many ways to self-segregate. For whatever reason, White spaces tend to be very White, but that doesn't mean you can't do something to fight that tendency. 

8. Do the work to be inclusive. Keep up with what's happening in communities other than White communities, including the language people use with and about one another. 

The fight against evil can seem daunting and insurmountable but if we work together and look to our country's role models we can be powerful against all forms of evil. Take the words of President Obama on talking to his daughters after the election: 

“What I say to them is that people are complicated,” Obama told me. “Societies and cultures are really complicated … This is not mathematics; this is biology and chemistry. These are living organisms, and it’s messy. And your job as a citizen and as a decent human being is to constantly affirm and lift up and fight for treating people with kindness and respect and understanding. And you should anticipate that at any given moment there’s going to be flare-ups of bigotry that you may have to confront, or may be inside you and you have to vanquish. And it doesn’t stop … You don’t get into a fetal position about it. You don’t start worrying about apocalypse. You say, O.K., where are the places where I can push to keep it moving forward.”

Or, find inspiration in San Francisco's official response to the election of Trump. There is plenty of good in the world to overcome the evil, but we can't minimize the evil, we can't make excuses for it, and we certainly can't ignore it. We must refuse it. 

Life is Short

Here I am, on the eve of one of the most contentious and monumental presidential elections in history, writing a blog post about what's important. This is something that my work as a therapist always tries to keep in focus...what are our values? How do they drive our decision making and behavior? Are we doing what brings us joy? If not, why not? Sometimes we have the power to make changes that allow us to live a life more aligned with what's important to us, and sometimes things feel wildly out of control (like, say, this presidential election?!). This blog post does a beautiful job at articulating the need we most likely all have in eliminating "bullshit" from our lives...

“If you ask yourself what you spend your time on that’s bullshit, you probably already know the answer. Unnecessary meetings, pointless disputes, bureaucracy, posturing, dealing with other people’s mistakes, traffic jams, addictive but unrewarding pastimes. There are two ways this kind of thing gets into your life: it’s either forced on you or it tricks you. To some extent you have to put up with the bullshit forced on you by circumstances. You need to make money, and making money consists mostly of errands. But while some amount of bullshit is inevitably forced on you, the bullshit that sneaks into your life by tricking you is no one’s fault but your own. And yet the bullshit you choose may be harder to eliminate than the bullshit that’s forced on you. Things that lure you into wasting your time on them have to be really good at tricking you. ”

— Paul Graham

But it's not only about eliminating bullshit, but also trying to nurture what is meaningful to us. For some people this comes naturally and easily and for others this is a process that needs to be learned through experience and, often, mistakes. Some values are instilled in us from our family and others we choose for ourselves, but all values are in place to guide our behavior. They're helpful short cuts for us to make decisions whether or not we're even aware of their influence. As Paul Graham says in his blog, "One heuristic for distinguishing stuff that matters is to ask yourself whether you'll care about it in the future. Fake stuff that matters usually has a sharp peak of seeming to matter. That's how it tricks you. The area under the curve is small, but its shape jabs into your consciousness like a pin. The things that matter aren't necessarily the ones people would call 'important.' Having coffee with a friend matters. You won't feel later like that was a waste of time." 

Eliminating bullshit and fostering what's truly important to us is and should be a life long task and one that takes tremendous attention. But you can start by asking yourself this: "What matters to me most?" 

Acceptance.

Acceptance, true acceptance, is something many of us struggle to achieve. It doesn't help that we are constantly barraged with messages reinforcing that we should not  accept so many things...don't like the television show? Change the channel. Don't like your body? Go on a diet or get a cosmetic procedure. Don't like your boss? Quit your job! Don't get me wrong...sometimes change is just the thing we need and it can keep us nimble and flexible and, ironically, better able to accept challenges (after all, the only constant in life is change, right??).

However, the problem comes when, because we grow so used to changing the things we don't like (e.g., avoiding the real problem), we feel deeply and perpetually unsatisfied with what we ultimately cannot change. In human psychology the definition of acceptance is "a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it." Great! Sign me up! How do I accept negative and uncomfortable situations? Well, like most things, acceptance starts with practice and takes time to develop, but the following strategies can help you get a good start:

1) Adopt a "Yes, But" Attitude

This is actually something that comes up for so many of my clients while discussing acceptance. So often people say, "But I came to therapy to change!" and they find the mere suggestion to consider acceptance frustrating. Therapy is absolutely about change, but it is just as much about identifying and growing more comfortable with our limitations. By adopting a "yes, but"  (e.g. "Yes I am unhappy at work, but I just started this job a month ago and perhaps I should give it some more time) attitude, we can both accept where we currently are while also allowing for the possibility of change.

2) Talk About It

The better we understand our discomforts, anxieties and fears, the easier it is to accept them. Talking about these things normalizes them, and helps us feel more comfortable with them. 

3) Ask Questions & Create Meaning 

Some good questions to start with might be, "Why do I want to change this so badly?" "What is the worst case scenario if I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?" "Do I want to change this for me or for someone else?" "What do I imagine my life will be like if this changes? What will it be like if stays the same?" These questions can help you understand what lies underneath your urge to change, but they can also help you to identify a new meaning of yourself and the things you're uncomfortable with. 

4) Practice Self Care

Acceptance is hard. Getting caught up in a cycle of self abuse because we're not doing enough, changing fast enough or achieving goals successfully enough is far too easy. Be gentle on yourself when starting this practice and you may find that acceptance may even be easier than change! 

Considering Your Future Self

For many of us, there is constant conflict between past, present and future. We are told at every turn to "be present" and to "live in the moment." But what about our future goals? How do we reconcile who we are now with who we want to become? I really enjoyed this article which addresses many of the challenges we face in constructing the life we want, and also offers helpful solutions to realistic goal setting. Reinvent yourself! 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201404/reinvent-yourself