Hope in a Time of Grief

In the wake of the presidential election, it seems many San Franciscans are just trying to cope.  Therapists around town are being sought out to help process the feelings of disbelief, sadness, fear, and grief that many are feeling. Although the topic has been written about before, it seems important to touch upon again given the recent political events and to remind ourselves that grief does not just result from death of loved ones. People feel grief whenever there is a deep sense of loss...at the loss of relationships, the end of friendships, divorces, lost job opportunities, or even upon being diagnosed with a chronic health condition. With grief, there is a yearning for the past and a wish to escape the pain and uncertainty of the future.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross is the well-known author who described the universal stages of grieving.  The stages involve denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.  However, despite some universal characteristics, not everyone moves through grief in a linear way. Some people feel stuck and find themselves unable to move past their feelings of depression or anger following a loss. When this happens, they may describe being out of control of their feelings or numb or they might experience physical aches and pains or general difficulty functioning in the day to day.  

One path toward healing can come from a search for meaning and a sense of hope that a valuable life can still be lived, despite suffering great loss. One of the best examples of finding meaning against all odds can be found in Viktor Frankl's book, Man’s Search for Meaning. The book is a telling of Frankl's (a Viennese psychotherapist) experiences of surviving the Auschwitz concentration camp. In the book he describes terrible and inhumane conditions, yet imbues hope for survival despite the harshest of conditions. Frankl believes that meaning can be found, despite great suffering, in the everyday moments of daily life.  His approach encourages readers to, “nevertheless, say yes to life.” 

Frankl’s words can provide hope for those experiencing hopelessness. He wrote:

“everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

In the throes of grief one might spend much energy bargaining to change or un-do the circumstances he or she is in.  However, as Frankl says, “it is not freedom from conditions, but it is freedom to take a stand toward the conditions.” It is this realization that often leads to change and a greater sense of control and even satisfaction in one’s life. 

So, in this time of great change and perhaps grief, take the steps necessary to move through your emotional reactions and, if possible, to transform them into something meaningful. Remember, too, that if you find yourself stuck you can always seek therapy because, as it turns out, it works! 

Life is Short

Here I am, on the eve of one of the most contentious and monumental presidential elections in history, writing a blog post about what's important. This is something that my work as a therapist always tries to keep in focus...what are our values? How do they drive our decision making and behavior? Are we doing what brings us joy? If not, why not? Sometimes we have the power to make changes that allow us to live a life more aligned with what's important to us, and sometimes things feel wildly out of control (like, say, this presidential election?!). This blog post does a beautiful job at articulating the need we most likely all have in eliminating "bullshit" from our lives...

“If you ask yourself what you spend your time on that’s bullshit, you probably already know the answer. Unnecessary meetings, pointless disputes, bureaucracy, posturing, dealing with other people’s mistakes, traffic jams, addictive but unrewarding pastimes. There are two ways this kind of thing gets into your life: it’s either forced on you or it tricks you. To some extent you have to put up with the bullshit forced on you by circumstances. You need to make money, and making money consists mostly of errands. But while some amount of bullshit is inevitably forced on you, the bullshit that sneaks into your life by tricking you is no one’s fault but your own. And yet the bullshit you choose may be harder to eliminate than the bullshit that’s forced on you. Things that lure you into wasting your time on them have to be really good at tricking you. ”

— Paul Graham

But it's not only about eliminating bullshit, but also trying to nurture what is meaningful to us. For some people this comes naturally and easily and for others this is a process that needs to be learned through experience and, often, mistakes. Some values are instilled in us from our family and others we choose for ourselves, but all values are in place to guide our behavior. They're helpful short cuts for us to make decisions whether or not we're even aware of their influence. As Paul Graham says in his blog, "One heuristic for distinguishing stuff that matters is to ask yourself whether you'll care about it in the future. Fake stuff that matters usually has a sharp peak of seeming to matter. That's how it tricks you. The area under the curve is small, but its shape jabs into your consciousness like a pin. The things that matter aren't necessarily the ones people would call 'important.' Having coffee with a friend matters. You won't feel later like that was a waste of time." 

Eliminating bullshit and fostering what's truly important to us is and should be a life long task and one that takes tremendous attention. But you can start by asking yourself this: "What matters to me most?" 

Want to feel better? Practice gratitude.

This is easier said than done, I know. It's hard to imagine feeling at your absolute worst and also finding someway to be grateful...but, trust me, it works and there is plenty of research to prove it! Among one of the best known researchers on the effects of gratitude is Dr. Martin Seligman, Director of the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center and Zellerbach Family Professor in the Penn Department of Psychology. Dr. Seligman is the founder of positive psychology which, unlike traditional psychology's goal of relieving human suffering, aims to actually improve the human condition. So what about gratitude? Well, as it turns out, practicing gratitude on a regular basis is one such way to improve the human condition. In his book, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Seligman offers a simple practice called the "Gratitude Visit" that promises to enhance your well-being and lower your depression (to see the exercise click here). Another exercise from Dr. Seligman, and one that I often encourage my clients to try to implement in their lives on a regular basis, is the "What-Went-Well-Exercise." The first part of the exercise involves identifying what went well that day, a practice Dr. Seligman says most of us have difficulty doing:

"We think too much about what goes wrong and not enough about what goes right in our lives. Of course, sometimes it makes sense to analyze bad events so that we can learn from them and avoid them in the future. However, people tend to spend more time thinking about what is bad in life than is helpful. Worse, this focus on negative events sets us up for anxiety and depression. One way to keep this from happening is to get better at thinking about and savoring what went well."

Once you've identified something that's gone well (and even the tiniest of things counts!) the second part of the practice is, in my opinion, the most powerful. In the second part of the practice, you answer why that thing went well, which helps you see that you do, indeed, have agency in what happens to you and that you can make good things happen! This alone is a powerful antidote to depression. 

These exercises seem simple, but they are rooted in decades of rigorous research and highlight some of modern psychology's most important findings. So, if you have 5 minutes to spare at the end of the night (and we ALL can find 5 minutes) try incorporating a gratitude practice into your routine and increase your well being!